An Invisible, Intangible, Infuriating Agony

Oh, there you are, again. Gentle, quiet, authoritative. You’ve come without an invitation. You’ve come unannounced. You’ve brought with yourself the tools of torture. Some memories, some apprehensions, some pain, some assumptions. I see a meaningless guilt is accompanying you. And restlessness is there too.

Well, come. I don’t know how to turn you away.  Come and take charge of this life—a life not yours but still hangs at your mercy. Come. Sit. Narrate those scary stories. Flood me with loathing and disgust.

Spin my head around. Weave fears of lies. Engulf me in your painful comfort. Hug me tight. Don’t let me breathe. Teach me to bear. Fill me with this agitation. Oh, is that restlessness for me?

I will keep it, store it, treasure it. It’s here to stay, I know. I have a place for it all ready and polished. What’s that? Guilt is staying over too? Well, the more the merrier.

Would you like a cup of tea? Or perhaps 8 or 10? Can I put on some TV for you? No? You’d rather I work? Okay. Oh, you don’t want me to do that anymore? Okay. How about I read you a book? Yes? Here it goes. Oh wait. That’s not interesting? Never mind. We’ll move on to something else. Would you like to eat? Can I cook something? No? That’s too much effort? How about we sit and talk to my family? No. You’d rather I be alone. Of course.

What can I do for you, master? What’s that? You just want me to stay. Lie still. Stare into space. You just want me to listen. What am I listening to?

Alright, I have heard this one before. It’s a record from infinity ago. It talks about this pointless existence. Oh, this one is from the heartbreak. Okay, okay, I know this one. It’s the one with the fear of failure. And this is the one that says none of it matters. I remember. I remember all of them.

You want me to listen to them again? Well, okay. I am here.

Dear December | The 3rd to 12th

Dear December,

Hi. I know I am I can’t just disappear for 10 days and then come back and say hi. But hey, hi. I missed you. No, I was not ignoring you. I was not in a self-destruction mode. Well, not entirely. I was just too caught up in everything that I couldn’t find the peace (and piece)of mind I need to talk to you. But, I am here now, so, let’s catch up?

I’ll be honest and tell you that I do not remember all the things I did in these 10 days and so I won’t be able to give you an hour by hour outline but I can tell you that these were the most productive days of the year.

Mostly, I was busy with Its Hemp. Would you believe it? I came up with the idea of hosting a nation-wide Secret Santa to bring people together and with a little help from Srijan (obviously), we were able to pull it off! It’s still going on because it is intended for the new year but it’s going pretty steady and I am proud of it.

Other than that, there was a little bit of work here, a little bit there but another thing that made these days the most productive was that I started chanting again. Yep, you read that right. So, on a random day, I got this lightning bolt of a realization of how much I truly missed being able to chant and converse with my BSG family. So I sat down and started chanting. Just like that. And before I knew it, I had chanted for an hour.

And then, Aanchal (bless her soul) called me out of the blue to invite me to a meeting. I went and it was the best fucking decision. Since last week, my practice has been going on steady. I’ve been chanting for 2 hours a day and I also did a 3:20 on Sunday. I think its primarily because of that that I have finally found time to talk to you.

The introvert in me wants to tell you, very proudly, that I have been socializing a little (we’ll focus on feeling guilty about that later) and I have made 3 new friends whom I am truly beginning to cherish. So, yeah, that. ❤

Other than that, life has been pretty good. My unexpected and inexplicable mood swings continue to come and go but I am so okay with them that I don’t even care anymore.

I can catch up on today!

The 12th

Morning

Today began late! I woke up from bhaiya’s call at 7:30 and then just ran down the stairs. But by 8:30, everything was restored to normal and I finally had my morning cup of chai. I chanted for an hour and then left for office. You were so unexpectedly cold today, by the way. Thanks.

Afternoon

Pretty busy day at work. I was a little blah when I sat down to work but it just got okay then so I shrugged it off. Then, we had butter chicken for lunch (so much for thinking of detoxifying my body) but hey! I had a guava before that so that’s cool. Right?

Anyway, I came home at 4 because this week its my turn to dog-sit Ram Dayal from 4:30 to 7:00.

It is 6:49 pm as I write this to you with Ram Dayal napping in my lap. And I don’t really have a musing of the day, or 10 days, but just that in these 10 days, I have been at peace. I did go into a self-destruction mode on Monday and Tuesday but I’m okay. I’ve got this. ❤

See you when I see you, December,

Love, and lots of it,
Apurva

Dear December | The 2nd

I am exhausted. But in a good way. I just had my post-dinner cup of chai (yep that’s a thing in my life now) and I think I will probably dose off in the middle of this letter.

Morning

You know I have always loved you cold. But this time around, I can’t seem to enjoy it. In April, I went into this phase when I wouldn’t want to move at all. And so I would just lie very still in bed. Recently (read the past two weeks) I have been feeling the same. Now when I wake up, I just lie there waiting for this intangible heaviness to go away. And in the middle of all of that, I just forget to enjoy all your coldness.

Today was one of those mornings. I woke up at 6 but got out of bed at 7.15. It’s okay. It’s the new normal now. Anyway, after all the household chores and playing with Ram Dayal, I brewed myself a cup of chai and headed to work with my tumbler in my hand.

Mid-morning

Srijan and I caught up after the weekend today and I made a video where I look super weird but hey, that’s just who I am. Then, both of us got to work and well that is mostly what happened.

Afternoon

We had a lunch date today! Okay, so it was the catching up in detail that we did here. We went to this beautiful place that had this cozy sofa seating by a fireplace. No, no, the fireplace wasn’t working but it was still beautiful. We changed places three times before settling on one place to sit. The waiter totally judged us! But we no cares.

I had chai (obviously) and Srijan had his hot chocolate (very obviously) and we talked about anything and everything–some things work, all things life. The food was a disappointment so it was a waste of money but definitely not a waste of time (never a waste of time with him <3).

Evening

A surprise was waiting for us back in the office. Let’s just we found out that we will have to go all the way to Mcleodganj then and there. It was freaking 7 degrees! So, that’s how I spent my evening, on a scooter with my teeth chattering in cold, cold wind.

Night

I reached home around 7 and then a little bit of this and a little bit of that and I was done with everything by 8.30. Bhaiya and I are sharing a room after such a long time today! It feels good.

It is 9:17 pm as I write this to you and I don’t really have anything special to say to you other than to tell you that today, you were good.

Till tomorrow

Love, and lots of it
Apurva

Dear December | The 1st | Surprise!

Dear December,

This is as surprising to me as it is to you. But, here I am. Hi. How have you been? Cold? I know. I am welcoming you this year with a little less enthusiasm but I am glad to be in a position to welcome you at all.

I am not quite sure about the conversations that I will have with you this time around. I find myself utterly drained–of energy, of emotion, of hope. But, trying is the key. So, try I shall.

Continue reading “Dear December | The 1st | Surprise!”

I am thinking of Ending Things

The title of this post is inspired by the book of the same name by Ian Reid.

One among the many things that I related to in this book was that once this thought enters your mind; there is no escaping from it. I am thinking of ending things. 6 words that can break someone’s heart; make someone panic; send them into a frenzy of fear; or just plain destroy them. I am thinking of ending things. I love how these 6 words mean so many different things in so many different contexts.

Continue reading “I am thinking of Ending Things”

7 Life Virtues Reading Taught Me.

The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of the silence. It was my own silence.”, says Sylvia Plath in the first book I am ever reading in my life. I am 13 and can relate to her in a way no 13-year-old should be able to. I sip my chai and smirk. You beautifully, beautifully tragic woman I think to myself. And just like that, it is on a Wednesday in the summer that I become a reader.

Continue reading “7 Life Virtues Reading Taught Me.”

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑