You could be mad, upset, disappointed, or plain irritated by me. And you have every right to be. But if you thought I would step into the new year without having a conversation with you, you were wrong. So, this is me, apologizing, one more time, for abandoning you and writing my heart out for you.
2019 | The Year of Pain, Growth, and Healing
My inhibitions to write to you when you first arrived were mostly because I didn’t think I would have anything new to say to you. It would all be heartache, the void, and the consistent feeling of not wanting to live over and over again. Life has been repetitive that way this past year. But when I sat down to think about it, even through these repetitions, a lot happened. And I want to share it with you.
I remember I welcomed January while coming home from Chandigarh on a much-needed break from work. I spent that month in trying to figure out what was wrong, what was it I wanted, and what was making me feel like I had had enough. I couldn’t point to anything so, I decided to stay home and solve it in the long run.
Come February, a trip to Kumbh and Triveni Sangam with didi, maa, and masi set me into motion. It was a little annoying (because masi wanted to click oh so many pictures) but fun nonetheless. And for all I knew, that fun was the only fun I would have in 2019 before your arrival December.
February 17th brought with itself that one traumatic push that threw me over the edge. Betrayal. Heartbreak. Emptiness. And before I could say anything, my mind commanded I don’t want to be alive anymore. And a hopeless and scared me followed.
The next three months, December, were spent inside. Lazing around, watching TV till my eyes hurt, staring at the ceiling, crying incessantly, being stubborn to let life change, begging didi to kill me; put me out of my misery.
Then followed another desperate attempt to have a happy ending. And I began a new project. This is in July and I am doing it for reasons I know but won’t admit just yet. In the meantime, therapy is good, medications are strong, and the back and forth to Chandigarh is exhausting.
But with August came a new wave of life and, still hurting, I decided to give my all to this new project. What were my reasons then, I don’t know. But it felt like the next right thing to do. So, I did. And that was the beginning of what would be the busiest months of 2019.
Birthday month this year was eventful. On the 5th, we made the project live. I was supposed to be in Goa to celebrate turning 25 but that didn’t happen. I welcomed this new year of my life in Shimla with Srijan blowing off a tiny candle on top a brownie. It was good. It felt nice. ♥
And then, December, you came. And life just turned around. You brought with yourself the courage to take the first step, and the determination to change my life. And even though I could have treated you better, I am thankful to you. ♥
This year was the one where I had no clue what was going on. I had no goals to push myself towards, no dreams to fulfill, no hopes to hold on to. I had (and still do) hurt, disgust, disappointment, emptiness. And yet through this twisted mess, I grew. I sat down and had a brutally honest conversation with myself. And then, December, I forgave myself.
And now, whatever I’ll do, I’ll do it with love and respect for myself.
Be good, December.
Till I see you next year,
Love and lots of it,